Farewell For Now

It is with a heavy heart, I am blogging to say that Wait, What? will be on an extended hiatus.  This blog and you, my blogging friends, have been an amazing support system over the past few months.  It's not easy for me to walk away.  The thing is right now I need to focus on restoring my mind, body and relationship with DH.  Before we canceled the IVF cycle, I was in an unhealthy place filled with stress, anxiety, fear, loss, disappointment and sadness.  Through counseling, yoga, acupuncture, mindfulness and an all-out new approach to infertility, I am no longer in that place.  And as much I enjoy sharing with the blogging IF community, blogging brings me back to that place; to the place I am trying to move away from, where all I can think and feel is infertility.  

I have committed to being on a true break until March -- no temping, ovulation kits, or anything with the express intention of achieving pregnancy.  I'm just going to live life.  In addition to our focus on wellness, we have a lot going on in the next few months, including home renovations and a trip to Miami.


I wish each of you the very best and hope that, by the time I'm ready to come back here, you will all be preggo!    To quote 21reena from a comment she made on a prior post, I wholeheartedly hope that 2010 brings our babies out of our dreams and into our arms.

Happy holidays and all the best in 2010!


S

So Long 2009

2009 was not what I expected.  When this year started, we had been TTC for a several months and I thought it was just a matter of time before I would be PG.  And now the year is ending.  In between there were a great deal of tears, frustration and disappointment as we stumbled along this path of unexplained IF.  But this is not a post about the letdowns of 2009.  Heck no.  

I've been inspired by the various year-end and decade-end (how is it that a whole DECADE has passed us by?!?) lists online, on TV and in magazines.  Here is my list for the top 10 movies of 2009 in no particular order.  So many of these movies helped me to escape - even if only for a couple of hours - from my IF struggles.  I'd love to hear about your favourites too!


S's Top 10 Movies of 2009


1. Precious

2. (500) Days of Summer

3. The Twilight Saga: New Moon

4. An Education

5. The September Issue

6. Inglorious Basterds

7. The Hangover

8. Julie and Julia

9. Up in the Air*

10. Nine*

* I haven't seen Up in the Air or Nine yet... but based on the trailers and everything I have seen and read about these movies, I have added them to my list out of sheer hype! 

Non-Yoga Yoga

DH and I had a lovely little Sunday.  We started the day by visiting the Vanity Fair Portraits: Photographs 1913-2008 exhibit at the Royal Ontario Museum.  The exhibit includes many of the iconic images from the famed magazine.  So many of the portraits stood out to us.  Jack Nicholson in a bathrobe hitting golf balls from the roof.  Annie Liebowitz's portrait of a very pregnant, nude Demi Moore.  A glamorous Princess Diana captured by Mario Testino.  

Later that day we went to yoga.  When we decided to postpone IVF, DH came up with the idea of us doing yoga together.  He's not into yoga.  Not at all.  But he thought it would be something we could do together and both benefit from.  We went to a class at a studio I used to attend regularly.  I had never been to this particular class.  This is the description:

Restorative – A gentle and nurturing practice that uses props, such as bolsters and blankets, to support the body in deep relaxation. A wonderful class for anyone who would like to slow down, calm the mind, connect to their breath and deepen their yoga practice. Restore the body and spirit, and leave feeling nourished and well rested.

The class was 90 minutes of nothing much.  We used props (blankets, bolsters, sandbags and bricks) for each position.  All of the positions except one were lying down.  Once in position, we would just breathe for about 10 minutes.  The bizarre part is that most of the positions were slightly uncomfortable, just enough to make it difficult to relax.  Despite all of our efforts to nurture and relax, this class just isn't for us.  Next time, we'll try a hatha class.

Finally!

Thanks for all of your concern yesterday, I was panicked when I wrote the post.  After blogging, I went for a mani/pedi with a friend and by the time I got home AF finally arrived.  It started off slowly, but things seems to be normal now.  I had to miss acu this week but I will mention my 35 day cycle at my appointment next week.  So I am officially on a break cycle.  We will probably break for two or three cycles before starting IVF....

In the meantime, I will be regaining control over my life.... which hopefully will have a positive effect on my fertility.  To that end, I will continue with acu, counseling and any other techniques to help me resolve my underlying anxieties about IF and to make peace about it.  I am reading Conquering Infertility by Alice Domar, which is billed as a mind/body guide to enhancing fertility and coping with infertility. 

Alice Domar is the founder of a world-renowned mind/body program for infertility.  As noted on the back cover, the book provides infertile couples with what they need most:  stress relief, support and hope.  She explains the very tangible ways in which stress is harmful not only to fertility but to your life and health in general.  She then provides practical tools for decreasing stress - what she calls a toolbox full of coping skills.   The book isn't about getting pregnant; it's about how infertile women can reestablish control over their lives.  Domar's approach is to illicit the 'relaxation response', an inborn capacity to reduce internal stress.  In her toolbox are various techniques (such as mindfulness, body scan and progressive muscle relaxation) plus various lifestyle changes, thinking strategies and social approaches to use in dealing with infertility.  I tried progressive muscle relaxation last night and afterward, easily drifted to sleep.  I sincerely look forward to experimenting with these techniques in order to find happiness again.  It's no guarantee for success in getting pregnant, this I know.... but it most certainly can't hurt

Frustrated

I am on CD35 and still no AF.  In the words of DH, my body is like a science experiment! 

I have no way to know for sure (since there was no cycle-monitoring) that I ovulated this cycle.  But at the sono on CD13, RE said I was close.  And I have had no prior issues with ovulation. 

Usually AF arrives CD31-34.  I had normal PMS symptoms all week.  I POAS yesterday (just in case) and it was negative.

Since 3am I have been having intense cramping on my lower left side.  It is very unlike normal PMS cramping.  My back also hurts.  There is no bleeding.  

All kinds of things are running through my mind... could it be a mystery miracle pregnancy?  an ectopic pregnancy?  a post ovulation cyst?  is there a problem with my tubes?  maybe I do have endo after all?  or maybe it is nothing, and AF is just f*cking with me.

Lap Update

I have given a lot of thought to laparoscopy, done the research and this morning met again with RE. The verdict? I do not think I will have it done. Here are the facts:

• the only way to really know what is going with my reproductive system is the lap
• RE said there is a good chance he would find something small (minor endo, scar tissue, etc.) and a remote chance he would find something major (tube damage, advanced endo)
• in either scenario, IVF would still be the plan for me
• having the lap would not change my fertility potential
• not having the lap would not decrease my chance of success with IVF
• the IVF process itself will likely reveal my fertility issues
• the lap is serious surgery with real risks, much greater than the IVF
• RE recommended additional IUIs with injectibles rather than the lap

As much as I want more information, I do not think I can justify the pain and risk of the lap when it will not offer me an increased chance of getting pregnant. If my treatment plan still leads to IVF, I just do not see the point.

On another note.... AF has still not arrived. I ovulated around CD14 and today is CD34. I wish I could be excited but I know I am not KU. I just have the misfortune of a really long luteal phase. RE does not see a problem with this whereas the acupuncturist thinks it is a bad thing, that stress is the reason my body holds-off from shedding the lining. The kicker is that I have done so much to de-stress in the last two weeks.... I guess I still have a long way to go on my mindfulness based stress reduction! I am actually reading a great book on this which I promise to share in my next post.

Before You

This was posted on the bump yesterday:

Before you were conceived, I wanted you
Before you were born, I loved you
And before you were here an hour
I would have sacrificed everything for you